Monday, December 13, 2010

Why I am now 75 and not 42

Every year Tracey and I (aka Mr. and Mrs. Claus) try to take a trip to a shopping center that isn't the one we always shop at in an effort to find new inspiration for Christmas gifts. After this year's adventure, I think that next year we might do this in JUNE rather than waiting until December. It might actually extend my life expectancy.
Some background: short version is that on 17DEC07 I rolled my pickup truck after I hit some black ice on the highway. I was going maybe 45 mph at the time. If that. Anyway, I was headed south. In these pictures, you can see the what's left of the front end of the truck. It is facing NORTH. I spun, hit a snowbank, then guard rails, and cartwheeled along them before coming to rest. For those of you with kids who have toy cars, try to work out the "how the heck did THAT happen" with one of them. yea, i dunno either. Ok, here are the pictures before we move on. Since then, I have been a bit wary on wintry roads. oh, i just remembered the old blog. you can see more pictures here.
in this photo you can see where the truck cartwheeled (note depressions in snowbank along guardrail)

i had to climb out of the driver side window.
On with the story. So yesterday we'd been on the road for a while, laughing it up about Tracey starting her own blog, things the kids were into, crazy stuff like that. Travel had been slowed to no more than 55 mph for the better part of the trip. As we got closer to our destination, the winds were really starting to pick up. The temp was changing, so we had a nice 'wintry mix' falling; rain, sleet, snow. simultaneously. for those of you in the areas of the world who don't get snow, the road looked like this (courtesy of google images):
almost exactly like this. but less visibility. so i'm driving along with a nice firm grip, trying to concentrate. my lovely wife was riding shotgun, and had just finished a cigarette. (WHOLE other topic. moving along now...) she went to flick it out the window, and out of the corner of my hyper-vigilant eye i see the butt blow back into the car, bounce off her shoulder, and fall between her and the door. in slow motion.
she laughs as if nothing happened. I said, "you gonna get that?" 
"nah, it'll be fine", she quips. 
I said, "BUT IT IS ON FIRE!"
Unphased, she said, "i've got it under control" and she unbuckles her seatbelt, and then OPENS THE DOOR so that she can lean out so she can reach down and get the butt.
Folks, i'm fairly creative, but I swear that I didn't make that up.
If i could have seen me, I am 95% certain that I would have looked like this guy:
remove glasses for that extra 5%

Then she calmly closed the door, rebuckled, and acted as if nothing happened.
When I go to Denny's today (not really) for my free birthday breakfast (I don't know if they actually do this. PLEASE don't send me hate mail if you try it. No, actually, try it and let me know what happened.) I am going to ask for the AARP discount. I think i deserve it.
Have a great Monday. remember, it is a brand new week!


  1. So she's a stunt woman that stomps out butts? You do, indeed, have a fiery one on your hands.

  2. Jeeeeeeeeeeze. Yeah, i'm with you there. I'd be FREAKING out.

  3. 1. Happy Birthday!!!

    2. HOLY CRAP on those crash photos!!! I'm glad you made it through ok.

    3. HOLY CRAP I'd be freaking the eff out too!!! Bad wife, bad, bad!!!! (On both accounts actually!)

  4. I've read this a few times and I still don't know what to say. But I'm very very grateful that you are still here!!!

    And looking like Paulson?!?!?! Well that's just creepy!

  5. I have a funny stopry about someone opening the car door while driving but...too long for a comment box. So...good day to you sir.

  6. You are hilarious. Seriously, I always crack up when I read your blog! First of all, I'm glad you survived that car accident. Yikes. Looks very, very scary. Second, I had some friends in high school who smoked (and still do) and that exact same thing happened once when I was driving on the freeway and my friend tried to throw out her cigarette. Of course it burned a whole in MY MOM'S car!! IT was so awful. I was stupid for letting my friend smoke in there in the first place.

    Happy Birthday to YOU!!!