Much obliged…

As all of us move through our own levels of improving our health status, we are sure to meet others in their journeys. Some are ‘ahead’ of us, and some have not yet reached the levels that we have achieved. Woefully, we will meet those who have not even begun, or perhaps worse yet, don’t realize that they can begin.

For me, this begs the question, “are we obligated, in any way, to ‘pay it forward’”? Surely someone at sometime helped ignite the spark that sent us on our journeys. For some it was their doctor, others a family member. Movie scenes can do it, or even just waking up one day sick and tired of not being able to keep up with the kids.

Yesterday I stumbled across a video from TEDMed that spoke to this issue at the end of an interview with Lance Armstrong. Love him or hate him; I don’t really care. It isn’t debatable for me. To each their own, but I often find that he has interesting things to say regarding cancer (eff you, Cancer, by the way) patients, treatments, and recovery. The entire video is almost 25 minutes long, and can be seen here. Near the end he tells a story about leaving the hospital after his first rounds of therapy. It was on my birthday, and as he was getting ready to go, his doctor told him about the ‘obligation of the cured’

“…you can walk out that side, nobody knows you left, nobody knows you were here, you don't have to tell anybody you had this disease. or you can walk out the other side, and you tell everybody you had the disease, and you do whatever you can, as long as you live, to affect change when it comes to this disease."

For me, it doesn’t matter that I don’t have cancer or some other disease that I have conquered. What matters to me is that there are other people out there who might just need a boost, a tug, or a push (I actually typed ‘punch’. hmmm) in the direction of better health. A few months ago I found myself in a discussion with my wife during which I was complaining about how unhealthy people seem (at least in some large part) to just sit around and do nothing about their health except complain and shift blame and responsibility. The discussion was getting a little heated until she said something along the line of ‘instead of complaining yourself, BE THE PERSON who helps them. Many people probably just need a little reassurance and guidance but don’t know where to get it. Give it to them.’

I ruminated on it for a few days, and then began to do just that. Every day, in some small way, I strive to be a catalyst for change in others. Sometimes it is just leading by example, other times it involves lengthy conversations. I encourage all of us to think about how we can be that light for others. Consider for yourself if you have an obligation.

Comments encouraged and welcomed! –gene-

Allow myself to introduce…..myself.

I have been planning and editing this post in my head for almost a month, and now that I am sitting in front of the computer, it is all a blank. I am starting this at almost 10pm on 4-3-11. I write that because I am interested to know when I will be finished with it. Time will tell, right?

Well, eff it, I am just going to type…..if you are looking for a break from posts about running or planning for races, then read on. I might suggest a nice fresh cup of tea or coffee first. We might be here a while.

Has anything you’ve done or said forced you to take a long look in your mental mirror, even if you didn’t want to at the time? If not, I believe that one of two things is true: 1) your time is coming, or 2) you aren’t being honest with yourself. I had one of these situations a few weeks ago, and have been stewing on it ever since. In doing so, many, many things that I have always wondered about have fallen into place.

Let’s examine a few things, and how I believe they apply to me:

• Lack of managing appropriate social conduct I have a tendency to hide or avoid social interactions. You may be thinking, “but Gene, you do so well here and on twitter….” Here’s my reply, “it is because I can’t see you, and I can walk away from the conversation at any time, and that is acceptable in these realms.” Imagine if we were eating dinner together and I just got up and left. Not quite as acceptable, which makes me feel strange, and I don’t like that, so I have always tried to avoid those things. Knowing that we have an event to attend (even a sporting event) causes me to be edgy for days in advance. 

• Problems engaging in "small talk" I am not good at social hours or cocktail parties. I can’t engage with others at conferences before the speaker starts. I sit there, either writing, playing some logic-based game on my phone, or categorizing people in the crowd. I don’t mingle….even at family gatherings, and this has become a problem in my life.

• High intelligence While I have never been accused of this, and it is uncomfortable for me to talk about, I agree. Or at least high on the average scale.

• Anger management problems Oh, yes. This is ME! I have a tough time managing my anger and frustration. I am nearly always at the boiling point, and I don’t really know how to control it. I tend to pound my fist on a table, or my cell phone, or the fridge, or…..once I kicked a concrete pillar so hard I had to be on crutches for a week. Dumb.

• Controlling feelings such as depression, fear or anxiety Depression can either sneak up on me or ambush me in the middle of a great day. I rarely see it coming, as many of you can recall from some tweets that I have sent out. Fear? not so much. Anxiety? mostly as it relates to being in large spaces (I don’t like to go shopping. WAAAAAY too much stimulus…)

• Lack of empathy I can be empathetic, and I think that I am fairly empathetic. Thing is, I don’t always express it in such a way that other people see it….

• Inability to listen to others I’m sorry, what? I listen well, I think. But part of being a good listener, I am told, is being empathetic. See above…

• Inflexible thinking Black/white. That’s it. Moving on…

• Repetitive routines provides feelings of security Not in the sense that I have to check the back door 15 times before I leave the house, but…I will re-arrange items on a table at a restaurant, straighten out the sugar packets,  align items on our shelves so that all labels face the same way, etc. All of the screws in my light sockets are straight up and down. At least they were when I put them there. Hang on, I gotta check….yep.

• Stress when their routine suddenly changes Oh, Lordy this is a big one. Going grocery shopping? cool. ummm….WHY are we at Khol’s???? there are NO grocery items in that store. Shopping list? cool. ummmm….strawberries aren’t on the list. why are they in the cart? Just ask my wife about this one. yea. shopping with me is NOT fun.

• Inability to think in abstract ways Au contraire, actually. Sometimes my thinking is so abstract, I can’t get anyone to understand me.

• Specialised fields of interest I have had several. Read many books on Everest. Many on climbing techniques. Other things, too. I love music. Can sing along to almost anything prior to 2002. After that, I just pretty much stopped listening to the radio.

• Visual thinking I like to, prefer to, sketch things out. I love, LOVE maps. I have a few full sketch books, and even have one for small carpentry projects from around the house.

If you have hung on this far, you might be wondering what I am getting at. I’m taking lists of criteria and characteristics and seeing how I feel (think, actually. I FEEL with my fingers, etc.) that they apply to me. Many of you are certainly bored at this point. others may not be yet, but are getting there. others have gone for a second cuppa coffee. what’s better than reading about someone do this to themselves online? not much.

• Friendships are usually formed through mutual interest areas or activities Check. Runners, hikers, climbers. While I am very interested in Z’s athletic endeavors, I am not friends with the other ‘team dads’.  My wife has had a daycare for nearly 5 years. Some of the parents have been with her since day one. I know them, but wouldn’t consider hanging out with them. (see small talk, above).
• Some individuals have extreme hyper or hypo sensitivity to light, noise, touch, taste, or smell yep. at night, if one of the cats fart, I’m awake. overhead lights drive me nuts. I sometimes wear a baseball cap at work. contrasts between light and dark are very distracting. when in stores, I have a tough time blocking out all of the ancillary conversations and announcements around me. most of the time, light touch is uncomfortable. most of the time…
• Sensory and social demands of life make more downtime essential When I come home from work, I crave alone time. sometimes it is a run. sometimes it is playing video games, or reading, or just lying on our bed. this doesn’t always happen. when it DOES, though, I think that I am much better. at family gatherings, I often will drift away from the party. I need to let things quiet down in my head. this has often caused problems, because people have felt that I didn’t want to be around them, or that I was mad, or whatever. nope. just need some quiet.

Thing is, for all of these categories listed, I could never actually group them or understand them like this. I just always thought of myself as odd, as the one to blame, as, well, as just the way it was. and I struggle to change it. I have tried on several occasions, in this marriage and my first, to be more….’there’ at gatherings. So far, it hasn’t worked. But I will keep trying, especially now that I have a ‘reason’ for my aloofness.

My enlightenment came after a text message from one of my cousins. I had sent out a tweet saying something about ‘why do my weekends always fall apart, even after a good week?’ She replied, “it is because you are Autistic.” whoa. what? when I asked her, she said, “dude. you totally have Asperger’s. look it up.” And so I did. And, after reading article after article online and taking 3-4 online ‘tests’, I agree with her.

I am a self-identified (not self-diagnosed) “Aspie”. The bullet points above are characteristics of people with Apserger’s Syndrome. As a syndrome, it is not a disease or a disorder, but by definition it is “a group of signs and symptoms that occur together and characterize a particular abnormality or condition.” When I look at the criteria for diagnosis with Asperger’s Disorder, I don’t quite fit, which is good.

Asperger’s is on the Autism Spectrum. Is there a cure? NO! It isn’t a diesase. Autism is a neurological condition, and this holds true for all other conditions on the spectrum.

Ok. I am drained. Time check reveals 11:37 on the same night I started this. I did better than I expected. cool.

Thank you for reading this far. I wish that I had a chunk of cheese for you, or a finisher’s medal. All I have is my gratitude for having an ‘audience’ to talk to. even if my hit counter stays below 5.

-gene-

what a week....

you, too? let's recap, shall we?
Saturday: 6th Anniversary to my High School Sweetheart. No, we are not 24, but she makes me feel like I am still 17 somethimes. I love her so much. Ok, i think I just heard the 'schmoop alert', so enough of that.
Sunday: final family Christmas of the season. tough to find candy canes that close to Valentine's day, so the kids had to 'suffer' with 2 month old Christmas candies. ha. just kidding. It was a good time, a relatively calm but still interesting 'Yankee Swap' for the >13 year old crowd, and the little ones had a good time, too.
Monday: Ah. Halmark Day. Bryce painted a coffee mug for Mom, but we didn't get to give it to her until Tues, as the pottery place is closed on mondays.
Tuesday: Not much went on. I shoveled snow off of 80% of the front of our house, then lost the shovel over the edge with just that little bit to go. It is still there.....
Wednesday: Stir-fry dinner with the in-laws at my BIL's new pad. Was actually fun~! I 'branched out' and started some conversations and contributed to some. Also made plans to be their IT support on Monday.
Thursday....yea, Thursday. Got to work early, then got a call around 725 that our oldest had rolled his mom's car on the highway. flew down to the accident scene (nearly 30 miles away), got there while kids were still being interviewed in ambulance. after a buncha ado, got the kids home. hugs all around, as they are ok, albeit sore from the seatbelts. car is a wreck, most likely will be totaled. I highly recommend Toyotas. I rolled my Tacoma a few years back, and walked away. Mom's corolla rolled 2-3 times yesterday, and the kids walked away. Damned fine cars.

Friday: we're almost half way through it, and nothing bad has happened yet. I finished a contingency plan at work for some new software that i am lead on (implementation, not development. crikey. let's get THAT clear), family is doing well at home, weather should allow for an afternoon run, then curl up and watch a movie tonight or some such.

Hug your kids, hug your family members. you just never know....