what a difference

a day makes. as you can see from my last post, i have not been in a good spot mentally nor emotionally for a few days. this happens to me in cycles, and happens more often than it should. i.will.get.better.
enough about me. oh, wait. my blog. it is ALL about me. so here we go....
I am at work now, sitting beside my patient, watching (listening to) rerun of last night's Red Sox v. Angel's game. All is as well as it is going to get with him, unfortunately. I have been doing this long enough to not be jaded; i still count my 'blessings' when i take care of patients in the ICU.
I was still in a 'funk' when i got home tonight, and really, really wanted to go for a run when T got back from her chiro appointment. I had my water lined up, knew right where my sneakers were, etc. etc.
While T was gone, i watched the kiddos play in the back yard, in the 'park' that T and I created for their enjoyment. And they were enjoying it. Even at the end of (for them) a very long day (keep in mind that the oldest is our 4 year old), they were still enthusiastically riding up and down the 'paver path', going up and down the slide, running up and down the hill to the club house/shed/scary place with spiders. Over and over. and they were LAUGHING.
what?
so that was interesting. i couldn't sit there every DAY like my wife does and watch it, but it was interesting for the half hour i did it.
and then my beautiful bride came home. her head is full of all kindsa Important Things, and she is very Concerned about This and That lately. I don't know how she keeps it all together. and she still LAUGHS.
then T asked if I had gotten a text message from M, which I hadn't. Seems as though he had forgotten his wallet at home, and was in need of 'rescue'. I must admit that my first reaction was, "sorry, man. been there, done that, it soooo sucks. oh well." but then Reason and Wisdom kicked in (who invited them?), and i rummaged through his room to find the wallet (which was conspicuously located in plain sight near his pillow). I jumped in LC (our Explorer Sportrak, who I call LC for Lewis and Clark (also explorers)) and headed to Hanover. I still wanted to run. BADLY. I was 'this close' to going back inside to get my gear but didn't. I am not sure why. Probably some feeling of me not 'deserving' to go on a run (yeah. i have issues with things like that), and so i just jumped in, plugged into my mp3 player, and sped off calmly drove out of the neighborhood.
When i got to the "Nug", i half expected M to be less than thankful. To my wonderful surprise, he was very happy and thankful to see me. I nearly fell over. We chit-chatted a bit, he thanked me again, and off i went.

On the way home i realized that i didn't feel the 'need' to go running anymore. what i DID feel was 'needed'. Oddly, that little interaction with M made me feel necessary. Does that make sense? I am not sure. I mean, there are bunches of other times where i am needed. opening jars, reaching things on top shelves, moving dirt, etc., but this one kinda clicked.

when i got home, B was, well, to be honest, just being a 4 year old, but i was tired, and knew that i had to go to work in a few hours, and just didn't have the patience/tolerance/energy that he 'needed'. in fairness, i wasn't all that fair to him. i mean, we played around for a bit, the way Dads and little boys do, but when i was done, he was still revved up and ready to go. bed time was a near disaster again. gotta figure out some routine. anyway.....

so i feel better today (mind you, i have been awake for nearly 22 hours), and i feel better ABOUT today. so let's see. a commenter for my last post challenged me to get out for a run Tuesday morning, so I brought my stuff to work (am actually wearing my running shorts under my scrubs!), and will be headed out right after shift change.

life will be good. i can feel it.

thank you for reading to the end, and i will have a better, more up beat posting later in the day. be well.

new banner picture

***warning. not much about running here***

The last one, of me actually RUNNING, was taken at the finish line of a hill climb race about a year ago.
Today, I posted the picture of the brick wall. NOT because I am doing brick workouts, and NOT because I feel like I run until I hit the wall.
Rather, I post the picture to represent the wall that I am eternally (internally?) banging my head against. I read once (and then reread many times) that the definition of insanity can be put like this, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results", or something along those lines. My apologies if I botched it up really bad, but I am sure that the message is still there.
I am a pro at this head banging thing. If only I could figure out a better way.

Today, while at work, I overheard some other nurses talking, and this word "ANHEDONIA" popped out, as if to say, "Hey! Gene! Look me up!" So I did. On webmd, next to the definition of the word, was a picture of me. (If you go there now to verify, you will be disappointed. I have since had my people contact their people, and after threatening them with copyright infringment, they removed the picture. Now I think they have a picture of a slug or something, but the caption still reads "Gene, a textbook example." I kid. It doesn't really say that. But it could.
Here is an open apology to my family for the way I am behaving lately. You don't deserve it. You deserve a husband/father/step father who is vibrant, full of energy, forgiveness, good ideas, and positive vibes. Instead, you have me.
For this, I am deeply sorry.
I write this at the risk of losing my 'followers', but I can assure you that I will be back to writing about running soon. Maybe as early as tonight. I am back to work tonight, and for two more nights after that.
Thank you for tolerating my mood today.