what a difference

a day makes. as you can see from my last post, i have not been in a good spot mentally nor emotionally for a few days. this happens to me in cycles, and happens more often than it should. i.will.get.better.
enough about me. oh, wait. my blog. it is ALL about me. so here we go....
I am at work now, sitting beside my patient, watching (listening to) rerun of last night's Red Sox v. Angel's game. All is as well as it is going to get with him, unfortunately. I have been doing this long enough to not be jaded; i still count my 'blessings' when i take care of patients in the ICU.
I was still in a 'funk' when i got home tonight, and really, really wanted to go for a run when T got back from her chiro appointment. I had my water lined up, knew right where my sneakers were, etc. etc.
While T was gone, i watched the kiddos play in the back yard, in the 'park' that T and I created for their enjoyment. And they were enjoying it. Even at the end of (for them) a very long day (keep in mind that the oldest is our 4 year old), they were still enthusiastically riding up and down the 'paver path', going up and down the slide, running up and down the hill to the club house/shed/scary place with spiders. Over and over. and they were LAUGHING.
what?
so that was interesting. i couldn't sit there every DAY like my wife does and watch it, but it was interesting for the half hour i did it.
and then my beautiful bride came home. her head is full of all kindsa Important Things, and she is very Concerned about This and That lately. I don't know how she keeps it all together. and she still LAUGHS.
then T asked if I had gotten a text message from M, which I hadn't. Seems as though he had forgotten his wallet at home, and was in need of 'rescue'. I must admit that my first reaction was, "sorry, man. been there, done that, it soooo sucks. oh well." but then Reason and Wisdom kicked in (who invited them?), and i rummaged through his room to find the wallet (which was conspicuously located in plain sight near his pillow). I jumped in LC (our Explorer Sportrak, who I call LC for Lewis and Clark (also explorers)) and headed to Hanover. I still wanted to run. BADLY. I was 'this close' to going back inside to get my gear but didn't. I am not sure why. Probably some feeling of me not 'deserving' to go on a run (yeah. i have issues with things like that), and so i just jumped in, plugged into my mp3 player, and sped off calmly drove out of the neighborhood.
When i got to the "Nug", i half expected M to be less than thankful. To my wonderful surprise, he was very happy and thankful to see me. I nearly fell over. We chit-chatted a bit, he thanked me again, and off i went.

On the way home i realized that i didn't feel the 'need' to go running anymore. what i DID feel was 'needed'. Oddly, that little interaction with M made me feel necessary. Does that make sense? I am not sure. I mean, there are bunches of other times where i am needed. opening jars, reaching things on top shelves, moving dirt, etc., but this one kinda clicked.

when i got home, B was, well, to be honest, just being a 4 year old, but i was tired, and knew that i had to go to work in a few hours, and just didn't have the patience/tolerance/energy that he 'needed'. in fairness, i wasn't all that fair to him. i mean, we played around for a bit, the way Dads and little boys do, but when i was done, he was still revved up and ready to go. bed time was a near disaster again. gotta figure out some routine. anyway.....

so i feel better today (mind you, i have been awake for nearly 22 hours), and i feel better ABOUT today. so let's see. a commenter for my last post challenged me to get out for a run Tuesday morning, so I brought my stuff to work (am actually wearing my running shorts under my scrubs!), and will be headed out right after shift change.

life will be good. i can feel it.

thank you for reading to the end, and i will have a better, more up beat posting later in the day. be well.