Friday, November 12, 2010

Funny Friday (LONG VERSION)

Alright. we ALLL know that i am madly in Love with my wife, who was my first TRUE love, and then i suffered brain trauma broke up with her while in Japan, then we got back together, yada-yada. No? You must be new here. Ok. Go here to catch up with the group.....
You back? Good. WEEEELLLLLL...this post has NOTHING to do with that story. I just like to tell it. wuhahahaaaaa.
This post has to do with a different story. Please bear with me, as I think that you will find it interesting AND funny (at my expense).
About a month or so ago my hospital was invited to give a presentation at a conference being put on by the Vermont Council for Quality (yea, i dunno what the hell that means, either). They wanted us to talk about our electronic medical record system. good. fine. we ROCK at that, so, why not. My predecessor, Pam, readily accepted the invitaion and said that we could use one of her 'canned' presentations since she has given this talk several times over the past few years. Sweet. All I had to do was to come up with about 5 slides, sit next to her on the stage, talk for about 5-6 minutes, and sit down. Basically I would act as "eye candy". (Which sounds a lot like I CAN....just sayin').
We received an email that listed the agenda for the day and it included a listing of the presentations and presenters. This is where the story gets GOOD. And by good, I mean Soap Opera Good.
I quickly scanned the peeps, wondering if there would be anyone I knew from nursing school or such, because, hey, Vermont ain't that big a place, ya know? As my eyes went down the page, they got HUGE, I mean BUGSY huge when I saw a familiar name. I immediately picked up the phone and called my wife. The conversation went something like this:

T: Hello.
Me: ohmygodyourememberthatconferencethatitoldyouaboutthatihavetogivealittlespeechatinNovember?yeawellguesswhoelseisgoingtobethere?okyou'llneverguesssoi'lltellyoubecauseiknowyouarebusy. Steph.
T: who? what? is this prank call? we don't want any encyclopedias.
Me: nononoit'sme! youheardright. STEPH is going to be at the conference. not just BE there, but also PRESENTING. yea. right before me, in the same room as me.
T: what day? i SO want to go to this thing.......

(a bit of back story here: my first marriage ended disasterously. mostly because i wasn't the best person that i could be at the time, and the person who was hurt the most was Steph. i do feel bad about the person i was back then (we divorced in 2003. i haven't seen or heard from her since. no children are involved, but i DO suspect that she killed my cat.), and i suspect that Steph still harbours bad feelings toward me. I would. (i do, actually...)

So then i told Pam, my co presenter. I believe that her email response was, "GET.OUT! Are you kidding me???" Many emails have gone back and forth about this. Pam found the situation to be 'interesting' but was certain that 'everything will be just fine'. Well, it was. I have thought about it quite a bit, and have lost a little bit of sleep about it, but have steeled myself enough so that earlier this week, with just 10 days to go before the event, I was ready to present.
Then an email came from Pam with this subject: "PLEASE DONT FAINT"
The body was this:
Hi Gene

Don’t faint when you read this -----I cannot be at this conference – I am flying home from a meeting in SLC that day – I had made a mistake and thought the conf was on Friday – not Thursday….yikes. I will prepare slides of the stuff I was going to cover – are you OK with doing the whole VA enchilada? I will be in tomorrow – can we get together then?

Thanks, Pam

"thanks???" THANKS??? thanks is what you say when you ask someone to pass the Old Bay and they do. I would have preferred to have her write, "sorry to have totally effed with your head, but i am sure you'll be ok" instead of 'thanks'.
So i replied with, "**thud**", waited a good dramatical few seconds, then re-replied with this:
Disregard the last email. After some smelling salts, I am feeling MUCH better now.
Yes, I will be here tomorrow. Now, if I could just figure out what that halo is on the periphery of my field of vision, I’d be all set…
(the halo is sometimes a symptom of head injury, stroke, seizure, etc.)
Her reply? Oh, so comforting....
It’s a good thing you share an office with Chris – otherwise no one would have known that you fainted…and we would not have found your body until I showed up to talk to you in the am.  I am really sorry – I am usually pretty good about remembering dates with my travel etc…but I had in my mind (feeble as it is) that the conference was on a Friday and that I was all set (who needs to know the date?)….
Have you developed a twitch?
nice. so i shared this conversation with Chris, who is the stereo-typical systems analyst who i share an office with. she has been working with computers since..well..ALMOST since they still used vacuum tubes.
My rebuttal? yep...
Yes, actually, and I’m afraid that my ex will think that I am winking at her. Maybe some depakote will do the trick?
No worries…..
I will see you in the morning. Please disregard my 1000 yard stare. And please, no sudden movements.
(depakote is often prescribed to combat seizure activity, as well as for major depressive disorders.)
having a similar sick sense of humor, she replied:
Wear sunglasses and she will never see the twitch (unless it becomes a full body tremor)…but if that happens you will undoubtedly begin to stutter also. 

I asked if I could wear a suit for the day, and she said that I could. I sent her this picture, asking if this type of suit would be appropriate:
We shall see.
But the FUNNIEST part of all of this, which I will NEVER KNOW ABOUT, is....think about it....I got the agenda, which means SHE got the agenda. What do you think her reaction was when she saw MY NAME on the list???? And my name isn't common, like a Bob Smith might be. So....there is no mistaking that it will be me following her to the podium this coming Thursday. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall in her office that day. And the subsequent weeks. Who knows. Perhaps she just laughed it off and went on with her day. I hope so, but imagining differently has been much more fun.
Thank you for enduring this lengthy post. I has been cathartic for me to get this out there. Have a great Friday~


  1. Yep. I endured the entire post with zero skimming. No doubt she has probably gained 125 pounds since you last saw her and is currently Googling "lose 125 pounds in 5 days" in a last ditch effort to seeing you face to face again.

  2. well, other people commented, but on FB. whaaat? so let's try to copy/paste, shall we?

    Sarah Chase Beaudry OMG, you are long winded but I had to read the whole thing. Good luck with the meet and greets with the other presenters:) Sounds like an interesting day....
    7 hours ago · Like
    Michael Davis wow, that was a long story dude. Good luck
    6 hours ago · Like
    Sheila Trask Wow. Good luck! (love the picture ... I have some of Popop's glass etchings here!)
    6 hours ago · Like
    Katie Dear I can't wait to find out what happens!! Can't wait for your next post! lol
    4 hours ago · Like

  3. Yumyucky i am certain that you are correct. I'll tgry to take a picture as proof. ahahan. not.

  4. I couldn't stop laughing at "we don't want any encyclopedias!" Bwahahahahaha!

    Oh you'll be fine. I find it quite amusing that you're affected by this. Not many guys would care. Just shows you're not like most men. Yeah, that's a compliment. =)

  5. hahahahahahaah

    Glad that you can let it slide off of your back. Not everyone would be like that for sure.

  6. This is a comment with respect to you presenting tomorrow, but I had to read backwards to get more info about the presentation from your heart rate dreadmill post today. Phew. GOOD LUCK WITH THE EX. I'm trying very hard not to laugh at your predicament. And you probably should bring the sunglasses, just in case. :)